Running blog of the PIR, Tuesday, 2/3

Welcome to Tuesday’s episode of PIR. Sorry for not blogging yesterday. I did, but when I went to publish it on the blog, somehow an hour’s worth of blogging disappeared. I had some good stuff in there too, so I’m hoping I’ll get to recycle it into today’s blog.

The contestants are just being announced for the first round of bidder’s row. No one has fallen yet, which sucks, but yesterday the first woman they called apparently didn’t realize the show was starting. They had to call her name twice. I wonder what would’ve happened if she didn’t react the second time either. Do they just move on and draw a new name? Has that ever happened before?

Okay, first item up for bid is a desktop touch screen computer. Pretty sick, Bluetooth and everything. Apparently you’ll never want to leave the house. I say $2400. Nadine goes with $1500. Too low. Rory with $1800. Okay. David with $1925 and Kristine elicits a scream from David with $1926. And Nadine wins. Wow, I’m off to a horrible start. This is incredible. Now before we go any further, yesterday I wrote that I was noticing a trend. Second prize is always a car. Okay that theory just went to shit. Nadine can win…A NEW CARRRRR! Ford Mustang, this thing looks incredible. So does the chick sitting in it. I wish that came with it.

We’re looking for a price that’s JUST over the price of the car. So Drew is going to keep giving her amounts and when she thinks that’s too much, she yells, “THAT’S TOO MUCH!” And wow, we just had a screw up. Drew was hitting a button to reveal a price, and when he hit the third button, the third AND the fifth prices both turned over. So Nadine apparently knows too much. And she’s fallen in love with the fifth price so we’re skipping over 3 and 4 and going right there. $25,981. Drew just talked her into seeing the fourth one in case and she almost bit. Let’s see what happened. She’s wrong. Wow she was way wrong. It was the third one that was over.

So here we go with the next contestant, it’s Sarah Bolin and she’s freaking out. OMG. She just jumped into Rory’s arms and they had to blur out her ass crack. That was disgusting. Sarah’s not the worst looking thing I’ve ever seen, but she’s got “more to love”, and that “more to love” was just bursting out of her jeans and into the eyes of the millions of senior citizens at home. Somewhere pacemakers are going off and grandparents everywhere are clutching their chests in horror. Second item up for bid is beach equipment from SportsStuff. Lounges to be exact. Here’s what bothers me. You’ve got this hot model laying around on this crap, and she’s wearing a wet suit. I don’t understand that at all. When would a hot chick like that ever lounge around a pool or beach in a wet suit. She’d be a bikini that looks like something I floss with every night. Actually that’s a lie. I don’t floss every night. Just ask my dentist. Although I was told that for someone who doesn’t floss I have remarkable ivories. How do you like them apples?

Kristine won. She’s cute. Definitely looks high maintenance though. And naturally she’s bidding a Jimmy Chu handbag and shoes and stereo equipment. This is a quick game. She has to determine if the prices should stay the same or be switched. She decided to switch. She’s right. Good for her. I’m not surprised. When Drew asked her she goes, “Well, it’s Jimmy Chuuuuuuu” and then said switch it. She knew the whole time. She probably just bought that shit this morning before she came. She might even be wearing Jimmy Chu right now, but her handbag is under her seat. Let's just hope her money doesn't go missing as if she left her bag hanging around at a college baseball party somewhere in Boston.

Third item up for bid is a digital camera. I’ll say $700. Terri just joined us, she goes $950. Alright Sarah is freaking out. She just $852. WTF is that. $1520 for Rory. Why not $951? Last dude bid a buck. And look at that. Rory is officially an idiot. Had he bid $951 like I said he would’ve won. Instead Terri had a short trip at bidder’s row…by default. It’s bedroom furniture. Which reminds me of a prize from yesterday that you obviously didn’t get to read about because of blogspot screwing me. The last woman to win on bidder’s row had a chance to win…get this…a StarWars themed bedroom set. I can’t believe she didn’t just walk off the stage. Honestly, what the hell is that. First off she’s a chick, second off we have no idea if she has kids, and third off, how is that a game prize. You’re telling me that someone can go on there and win a car, and this woman is trying to win a StarWars themed bedroom set? How is that even comparable? I wouldn’t told Drew forget the game, I’m just gonna go and get focused on spinning the wheel. This bedroom set is merely a distraction. Ridiculous.

Terri is playing the grocery game. She needs between $3.31 and $4.31 to win it. She’s going with the Clorox wipes. They’re $2.99. She’s screwed. The can of soup just put her over by $.21. That’s a tough way to go out. But it was only a bedroom set.

Time to spin the wheel. She barely made it around once. That’s awful. Only got $.20. Serves her right. I swear this woman has never done anything athletic in her life. She’s shaped like a bowling ball and the wheel was moving no faster than a retarded, paraplegic hamster was running on it. Nadine just rocked $.85. Solid. Kristine is up. Too much. Still hot though girl. I’d love to bang her in those Jimmy Chu’s.

So the commercial for the Grammy awards came on. I’m sick of this ad for one reason only…it ends with one of the Jonas brothers screaming, “…you babayyyy.” Am I the only one that finds these guys nauseating? They’re so terrible. They played at the NCAA football national championship game and were absolutely obnoxious. I can’t stand watching them stare into the camera like they’re hot. They’ll be nothing in two years. Take it to the bank.

Rory just won the fourth bid. Trip to St. Thomas at stake here. Rory is way too chill right now. He might still be scarred by Sarah jumping into his arms and him going to catch her but coming up with nothing but her ass cellulite. I can’t blame him, it was awful for the viewers at home and anyone sitting in the front row. Freeze frame game. I like this. So many possibilities. How much is the trip? I think it’s $6546. He just missed it. Now we’ll probably have to wait. Nope, he thinks it’s only $3695. What a retard. The crowd just booed. Well, I was wrong too. It was the next number coming up.

Fifth bidding here. Basketball jerseys and equipment. Portable hoop in there, six jerseys. Sorry eight jerseys. Drew can’t count. Ryan is new to the game, he bid $450. Are you kidding? It’s not a freaking huffy hoop pal. Jesus, Sarah just won. She’s going nuts. I can’t tell if she’s on something or just a loser. Christ it’s a new car. She’s just dropped to the ground and started doing the bicycle. She then jumped in Drew’s arms. No ass this time. I think CBS made her pull her shirt down and tuck it in. Which was considerate. Someone definitely said something to her. She keeps pulling her shirt down. It can’t go down any further at this point, but she keeps pulling on it. Now she’s gyrating. The last thing she should do is gyrate. It’s not flattering. The game is Gas Money. I don’t get this at all. Apparently she has a group of prices, and she has to avoid picking the price of the car. And she just guessed the price of the car. She lost her money and the car. Tough luck. And she just asked if she gets to spin the wheel. Seriously? No Sarah, sorry, you’re the first person in the history of PIR that won a bid and played a game, but won’t get to spin the wheel.

I love these Hillshire Farm commercials, by the way. Everytime I see one I end up chanting the jingle at the end. “When I say Hillshire you say Farm…Hillshire, Farm, GO MEAT!!!” Great stuff. Check out a couple of my favorites below…



Check out the guy pitting at the :20 mark of this next one.





Last item for bid is a hammock. Not even sure. Highest bid is $600. I say $601. And I won. Just in the nick of time. Ryan won. He’s pitting hard. He wore a dark shirt to hide it but it’s not saving him. I can’t wait to see him spin the wheel. I hope he has full moons by then. It’s tough though. He’s just resting his hands on his hips and you can see it. Those might be full moons already. I don’t even care about the game right now, I can’t stop looking at his pits. Oh man just caught a closeup. Those moons are so full. He just lost. Whatever. I only care about the wheel coming up. This is going to be awesome when he raises his arms. I wonder if he’ll ask for a new shirt. I totally would. I’m not even sure what I’d do in his position. Do you try spinning the wheel with a low starting position? He’ll look like an idiot, but I guess you have to determine what will look worse, a pathetic spin or full moon pit stains. You know I think I’d just rock the full moons. There can’t be any greater thrill than absolutely ripping that wheel. I wonder what the record is for rotations around. I’d find out and try and break it. It’s gotta be at least five. Women spin it two with ease, so a real man must be able to get like six or seven.

Alright back from commercial, here we go…

He went with the latter and gave it a half ass raise. You can tell he knows he’s pitting, he definitely did it real quick and got his arms down as fast as he could. But it worked out, he got $.85. That’s solid out of first position. See Rory had the right idea. He’s wearing a loose zip down sweatshirt. He could be pitting tremendously in that grey shirt he’s wearing underneath, but we’ll never know. And you know what? Rory just received a compliment from Drew on his spin. It was ridiculous. First one went around almost five times. I played it back to count, came up short but still strong. Second one barely got four, but still, if Drew is giving you props, you must’ve done something solid. Maybe seven is a bit optimistic, but I bet I could definitely get five, maybe six if I get into it. Rory didn’t look all that big, so I think I should be able to take him, I’d probably get six. Yea I’d definitely get six. But Ryan held on, so him and his moons are heading to the showcase showdown against Nadine.

Showcase 1:

Inflatable kayak. I’m already passing this. Again, the model is wearing a swimsuit, but now she has a life vest on. This is downright rude. Nice shot of her treasure chest but we can’t see anything upstairs. It’s frustrating. Alright this just got better, two off-road motorcycles. Oh wow, a Nissan Extera. Alright what’s the theme here? I don’t get it. Outdoor transportation? The kayak sucks. I feel like that was a Mike Lowell toss-in. Wow she just passed it. This bitch wants to travel. What an idiot. I’m bidding $31,000. Ryan bid $29,000.

Showcase 2:

A set of golf clubs. Nadine can’t golf. She’s too fat. She’ll be lucky to be able to putt, never mind hit a driver off the first tee. A trip to Pebble Beach with a round of golf with caddy and cart and a golf pro. Pretty cool, but again, Nadine can’t golf. They should have sent her to a mini-golf course. A nice one though. And now she’s getting a trip to St. Andrew’s and a round of golf there. What a waste of a showcase. She won’t even use this. She bid $35,000. Did I miss a car in there somewhere? Nadine might be double the actual price of the showcase. She must be mailing it in, that’s horrible. I can’t wait to see how far off she is. I’m going $16,000. Watch me.

Alright here we go…actual price of Ryan’s showcase is $33,452. I was close. I’m money. Nadine…here it is…actual retail price of her showcase IS…$20,486. Unbelievable. She didn’t quite double down, but that was horrible. So Ryan and his pit stains win. He’s jumping up and down right now but refuses to raise his arms, he officially looks like a fruitcake. He needs to just cope with the fact that those pit stains are awful and embrace them, because he’s now sacrificing his integrity on national television. Wow, he’s keeping his arms so close to his body. This is awful. It’s finally over, thank god it was getting hard to watch.

Now the other day I wrote about the chick who bid $12,098 for the one person outdoor sauna and dubbed it the worst bid in the history of PIR. In a way, I was right, b/c it certainly had to be the worst bid ever on bidder’s row. But in the showcase, check this out. If I’ve posted this before, I don’t apologize, because it’s that good. This guy was so flustered. Bob was getting frustrated and even told him to “think about that.” And I loved what Gay did after that. That’s a chick who knows what she’s doing. Enjoy…



-Bess

There's Something About Mary

No, not the movie. But the woman on PIR this morning. At 11am PIR came on the air with the usual flashing lights, cheering crowd and excitement it has every morning. And again, CBS continues to not let us down, providing some of the dumbest people we've ever seen.

Case in point, a middle-aged woman named Mary today. The first item up for bid was a sauna from Almost Heaven. Right away I yelled $2200. It was a lock. So the first three people went and made standard bids of $4500, $1200, and $1400. Now listen, I know I already said 2200 was a lock. But there's no way that thing is more than $4500. So she could have done one of two things...bid $1 and hope it's less than $1200, which is stupid, or bid $1401 and assume it'll be between $1400 and $4500. It gave her the best chance to win. Even if she thought it was over $4500, all she had to do was bid $4501. But did she do any of those? Absolutely not. Instead, she bid "Twelve thousand ninety-nine dollars!!!" That's $12,099. Drew asked if she meant $1299, to which she said no and insisted it was $12,099. Wow. Actual retail price is..............$2,400. Sorry, Mary.

But wait, Mary isn't the only moron on the show today. Meet Ferdinand, the same guy who proceeded to group Satya, the newest contestant to bidder's row after her name was called. In fact he lifted her off the ground and twirled her around two full rotations. But I digress. Next item up for bid was a Venetian, cast iron outdoor fireplace from Thebluerooster.com. Satya bid $400, Mary bid $450 and Patricia threw out $275 (which was stupid, why not just bid $1). In steps Ferdinand. Now listen, you've only got $125 separating Patricia and Satya's bid. There's not much room for error there, and the fireplace HAS to be more than $450. But he bid $276 instead of $451. Mary won and had the chance to win a new car, which bothers me. She's clearly and idiot and won by default (because Ferdinand is a bigger idiot) and yet she gets lucky and has a chance to win a car. Thankfully the world restored order and she lost.

While I was blogging this, Ferdinand just proved again that he does not know how to play the game. Fourth item up for bid was a 3-in-1 game table with pool, table hockey and foozeball. Bobby bid $750, Charita bid $550 and Patricia bid $299 (again, just bid a dollar). Ferdinand, if you think it's more than $750, just bid $751. Instead he bid $899. Actual retail value was $587, so he wouldn't have won anyway, but it proves my point, he's retarded.

And Ferdinand just shocked the world. He just won the fifth item up for bid and got to play the Mountain Climber game. Unfortunately for Ferdinand, his stroke of intelligence was brief and clearly a fluke. For those of you unaware, you have to guess the price of up to three items, and for each dollar amount you are off, the mountain climber ascends the hill the number of notches you are off for each respective item. Among the three items, you are allowed to be off by a total of $25 before the climber falls off the mountain. But if you keep him on it after all three items, you win the prize.

Ferdinand's first item was recipe cards from Betty Crocker. He guessed $25 and the actual price was $17. He was off by $8 and so the climber ascended eight notches. Not bad. If he did that two more times, he'd win. Next item was a ceramic pitcher. Nice looking item, not cheap by any means. Ferdinand went ahead and bid $15 for this not cheap item. He was wrong, and the mountain climber began his ascent up the hill. He hit 20 at which point Drew began clamoring for the thing to "STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!" But to no avail, as the climber plunged off the hill and ended the game for Ferdinand. Actual price was $35, meaning Ferdinand was off by a solid $20. Just awful. I hope he makes the showcase...stay tuned...

Alright Ferdinand had a disappointing showing with the wheel so he's out. It's down to Charita and Kathlene. First showcase is...a collection of designer watches from Gucci, Burberry and more. A full living room set. And a pair of Honda motorcycles. She passed it along to Kathlene. She bid $45, 353. At first I panicked for Kathlene. But I think she's okay here.

Second showcase is...a remote control plane (bet she wishes she didn't pass it). A hot air balloon trip in Colorado. This is awful right now. They better turn it up. Okay a six-night stay in a log cabin in Hidden Pines. Not bad. But this is weak, they've done better. Last is air-to-air combat lessons at fighter school. This is brutal. Actually it's a 6-night trip to Vegas and a fighter pilot flying experience. I take back what I said earlier, this trip is bad-ass. She's got two sick trips and gets to fly in a combat plane. Wow. She bid $32,000. That's safe to me because Kathlene may have overbid. Let's wait and see...

Alright here we go. I was right. Wow. Kathlene's actual retail price of her showcase was only $20,182. Wow, I'm shocked. She was over by $25,000 that's awful, but great for Charita. Actual retail price of Charita was only $15,000. Holy sh*t. This wasn't even close. Double overs, how anticlimactic. Time for the 12 o'clock news. Later.