The Sports Brief with Besse and Keefe: "What the hell is going on out here?"

Those words from Vince Lombardi summed up my sentiments from last night's episode of The Bachelor. Honestly, I have no clue what the fuck is going on out there. An absolute train wreck of sub plots and storylines. Soules looks like Donovan Mcnabb out there, completely uncomfortable and ready to puke in any pressure situation.

But amidst all the drama and confusion, he's an attempt at recapping whatever the hell it is that happened last night...

We Barely Knew You
Here's the weird thing about Megan. She's on my fantasy team. I should know who she is. Yet last night we open up with the cocktail party and find Chris having a 1-on-1 with one of the women. Apparently it's Megan. Has there ever been someone who flew more under the radar than Megan has this season? It's episode 8, we're down to seven women, and we have ZERO clue who she is. And funny enough she basically tells that to Chris, about how she doesn't feel their relationship is progressing and yada yada yada, we're down to six.

After she leaves, Chris B. Harrison tells the women (and Chris) they will still have a rose ceremony and someone will go home. Everyone freaks out, including Soules, who weasels his way out by telling CBH that he has strong feelings for everyone and can't send someone home. This guy is such a pussy. I've never seen a Bachelor(ette) get out of so many cocktail parties and rose ceremonies like this guy. He clearly isn't comfortable in front of the camera or talking to women. I still can't figure out how he got selected to be The Bachelor. Travel Iowa must have paid ABC a bundle and felt okay with Soules as the face of their franchise. It's working as well as it did for the Jets with Mark Sanchez.

We're on to Iowa
Chris gets his way and takes all six women to Iowa. We start out with a 1-on-1 with Jade, her second of the season. She's the first to earn this remarkable achievement, and the dichotomy of her two dates should not be overlooked. You may remember her first, when ABC sold out to Disney's "Cinderella" movie and made us sit through a painful, shameless plug where Jade got to dress up as Cinderella and go to a ball with Soules.

Well this week they explore his hometown, and if I'm Travel Iowa I've got to be pissed right now. Soules basically tells her there's nothing going on, all the businesses and stores are closed, and it's a ghost town. Way to sell it, bro. Are you purposely sabotaging this relationship or just a complete idiot? After the horrible sale job, they go to a football game at Chris' old high school where he gets to relive his glory days. I'd love to see old game film of him on the field. He's given me no reason to believe he was a halfway decent athlete as a kid. While they're there, he talks about how he could see he and Jade's kids playing on that very field. Right, I'm sure she's thinking the same thing after that awesome tour you gave her...

They tour the high school and Jade starts to talk about how she has a wild side. We saw in last week's preview that she's done some work for Playboy, so it feels like she's about to fess up. But she chokes and we're left to wait until later when it becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Meanwhile, some of the women take a road trip to Arlington. They run into the local Pastor who is standing on his front porch wearing a Call of Duty shirt. There's something incredibly ironic about that.

Speaking in Circles
Whitney has her 1-on-1 and apparently they went and took photos together. I don't know. I got bored and started answering work emails. Really engaged there.

I pick back up when they go to some restaurant for drinks and we hear Whitney open up about her mom and dad. Sad stuff, her mom dying at 50 from a blood clot during a routine procedure. Just brutal. And she no longer has a relationship with her dad. Chris must be wondering what the hell they'll do if he visits her hometown.

A bit later his best friends come over and pepper her with questions. Naturally it's the fat friend who is most engaged. Whitney goes on some rant about how there isn't that one moment where you suddenly realize you're in love. Apparently it's a process and it just grows. I really don't know. Chris finally steps in and says he has one more surprise and takes her outside. It's some shitty mural painting that's supposed to resemble a photo they took. I don't get it, but Whitney is overwhelmed and tells her this is "the moment" she realized she's in love.

Wait, what?

Upset Alert
There's no question Britt has been the #1 seed this entire season and had a target on her back. Every year we have that one competitor and we always see the other contestants dig their own grave trying to take them down. I mentioned "The Vienna Effect" last week and how she changed the game forever, giving hope to those who take on the role of heel. It worked for Courtney, and you can't help but feel Britt could join that exclusive club.

But we're finally starting to see some cracks in her game and she's being tested. During the Arlington trip she slipped and said she couldn't see herself living there because...well, it's FUCKING IOWA. The other women jump on this and think it could finally be the kill shot they've been waiting for. Britt tries to get in front of it and talks to Chris, telling him she had her doubts but the sunset is what convinced her she could see herself there. She's so hot I'm not even sure he heard a word she said and they make out.

Meanwhile, Carly has had enough and is walking into that trap, approaching Chris at the skating rink about Britt being fake. It's a slippery slope, and you hope Carly isn't willing to be carried out on her shield over this.

After ice skating, they go back to this mini cocktail party and Kaitlin puts on an absolute clinic. She pulls the whole "I'm overwhelmed and unsure what you're thinking act" and tricks Chris into giving her a rose and sealing her spot in the Hometowns episode. Baited him right into while the other two just sat there stunned. And this is where Britt starts to unravel, ranting to Chris in front of Kaitlin and Carly about how bullshit she is. If this is any preview of what she'll be like when they have arguments, he's fucked. This chick is drama and would mop the floor with him.

And with that, they cut away and give us a preview for tonight's episode where we'll find out the conclusion to the Britt saga and find out which other three contestants will round out the Hometown dates. For my money, I'm predicting the Final Four will be: