Over time, the fight game has delivered some memorable fights that have held the test of time. Ali v. Frazier, Hagler v. Hearns, Hogan v. Warrior, Eric Sloane v. Tong Po. The list goes on. And last night The Bachelor delivered reality TV's equivalent: a 2-on-1 between Kelsey "The Black Widow" Carter and Ashley "Stage Fiver" Iaconetti. But before we get to the main event, let's recap all the action on last night's undercard:
The Meltdown
Last week's cliff hanger left us with Kelsey on the floor in a hallway suffering from an apparent panic attack. While some watched it with sympathy for someone suffering from an overwhelming wave of emotions, those of us deeply rooted in Bachelor lore saw a master at work. It was Bob Ross with a paint brush, just pure artistry. Like all great competitors, when you feel victory slipping away you don't concede defeat. You fake a panic attack and buy yourself a rose. No chance Chris could send her home after that...he'd look like a prick. Put him in a no-win situation and force his hand. Bachelor Survival 101.
Yet watching it, I couldn't help but feel disappointed no one else saw the act, saw their own hopes slipping away, and went into a panic attack of their own. Full blown Penelope on SNL trying to top each other, like four girls just rolling around on the floor screaming incoherently. Everyone advances.
Rose Ceremony #1
An interesting subplot here - was it 10 degrees outside? Jade was shaking harder than Michael J. Fox and you could see other girls trembling uncontrollably as well. If that was nerves, Chris has a bigger problem on his hands. It's week 6, ladies. At this point we need to see more grace under fire. If I'm Chris, I'm looking for the chick without a rose who's barely moving, completely unfettered. Like Brady on a two-minute drive, ice water in their veins. That's who I want on my team.
But Mackenzie was the easy fall guy for Kelsey here. 21, has a kid, and has asked every weird question in the book. Not even she could've been shocked catching the axe here. Samantha had to be a tough call. Smoke show, and I can't help but wish I'd gotten to know her better. Jade summed it up best though: "Sam has had bad things happen to her too, but she didn't use it to level up (like Kelsey)." Game recognize game.
Moving On
The next week of dates takes us to South Dakota. During the cut away, Chris is heard saying "the Black Hills are the perfect place to fall in love." You serious with that shit? You ever been to the Dominican, bro? Oh yea...
We come back from commercial and Chris starts educating on all the history of Deadwood Mountain. I hate that they do this. It's like that bald, fat fuck on Pawn Stars who always pontificates on the history of every item like he legit knows it. We know how this works. You're not fooling anyone.
The group decides to confront Kelsey for being a fraud. A timeless tradition. The fact that Kelsey is a Guidance Counselor is concerning. Can't be good for the kids. But she hits us with what might be the biggest hardo quote in Bachelor history: "I am blessed with eloquence. And I'm articulate and use a lot of big words because I'm smart."
Now I won't lie, I spent Becca's 1-on-1 date watching video of the guy in LA going real-life GTA last night. I'm confident it was more entertaining, so here it is for your viewing pleasure. My favorite part is the 1:05 mark where his arm gets stuck in his baggy white T trying to pull his gun out:
Group Date
Interesting to see John Rich here. Must have had a falling out with NBC since his appearance on The Apprentice.
My favorite part of the group date was Jade telling Big Kenny how stupid she feels writing a song, so he responds by having her run down Main St. yelling "I'm going to speak my song!" This comes about five minutes after he legit told them he was willing to give them any advice he could. Thanks, BK. We may all be fucking psycho, but we're all set.
Chris' performance on the mic sums up who he is as a person. A big stiff who sucks at having fun.
And let's be honest, if he was giving out the rose based on the performance, it wasn't even close. Carly showed up to a fist fight with a TEC-9. She killed it. (See what I did there?) I would legit download her song on iTunes.
Unfortunately for her, that's not the case. Chris is so whipped by Brit he's not even ashamed at this point. Brit is sitting at the table eating dinner right now while the rest of the girls are like a bunch of puppies at her feet feeding off her crumbs. It's pathetic.
The Fight of the Century
Finally, we get to the Main Event. Honestly I'm still not sure any of us realize how incredible this really was. Ten, fifteen years down the road we'll still be talking about this, telling our kids where we were when it happened. Just tremendous theater in the Badlands...it was like Ali-Frazier in The Thrilla in Manila.
Things started out pretty slow (and awkward) with both fighters feeling each other out while Chris took massive slugs of his wine. Then things picked up when Ashley I. opened up first with a huge combination, scoring private time with Chris and spewing the dirt on Kelsey. It still baffles me the women fall for this trap. It's the "Vienna Effect". You don't want to worry about it, and you trust the Bachelor will figure it out on his own, but Vienna winning in Jake's season sits in the back of their mind - IT CAN HAPPEN. So they freak out, only to have it bite them in the ass. You'll never be the whistleblower and be the last one standing at the end of this thing. It's one or the other. And when Ashley I. dropped a dime on Kelsey, you had a feeling it was over.
But what I didn't expect what for Chris to rat her out to Kelsey. This was huge, and Chris continues to prove one thing every week: He is not good on his feet. He's awful addressing the women as a group, can't put together a coherent thought during private, intimate moments, and now he can't protect his sources. If you're still in this thing, does that make you feel good potentially being his future wife?
After Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley I. just said, she heads back to the bed and the drama is thick, Kelsey just staring her down while Ashley I. knowingly but unknowingly sips her wine. At this point it was Hogan-Warrior at The Royal Rumble in 1990. Middle of the ring, face-to-face, nowhere to hide. You could almost hear Shiavone and "The Body" Ventura..."BOOM, NOBODY MOVES".
Then Kelsey opens up and they start trading blows. This is where it got interesting. I think Ashley I. started to realize what was happening - the fact Chris told Kelsey was a sign he didn't respect. She knew her time was up. She could feel herself losing the fight with each punch from Kelsey. And this is where I completely gained respect for her. She called him out on it, and when he started to break up with her and tell her he didn't see Iowa being her lifestyle, she called him out on Brit. She was still throwing punches after getting KO'd.
Meanwhile, Kelsey sat on the bed while Ashley I. walks back towards her crying her eyes out. She knew victory was hers. She had delivered the final blow, and she got to stand back and watch the final seconds like Kostya Tszyu vs. Zab Judah...
At this point the fight had been a classic. But Chris put his stamp on it, coming back to dump Kelsey and make it an all-timer by giving us A DOUBLE KNOCKOUT.
Chris B. Harrison summed it up perfectly...
Chopper for one please #TheBachelor and the party is on
— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) February 10, 2015
And with the final shot, both women still standing in the Badlands opposite each other while Chris flew away, you couldn't help but feel we'll see a rematch down the road. The "After the Rose" is the likely venue, but this could be a rivalry that carries on for at least a few more years...Bachelor in Paradise, The Bachelor Pad if they bring it back. We'll see these ladies share the ring again, and while it may never live up to their first encounter, we'll always watch remembering what we saw on this night.
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